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29 May 2008 @ 07:35 pm
Yes, I do want some cheese with this...  
I need something to cheer me up. Big time.

I also need a vacation, but what scares me is that I know I won't want to go back to work afterwards. I hate that I keep complaining about my job. I've stopped talking about it almost completely in real life, because to be honest, it just makes me feel worse.

It shouldn't bother me so much. Aside from the fact that I'm on borrowed time (I hope they lay me off soon!), it's really not so awful. No one yells at me. I make my own schedule. I'm a master at what I do and the pay is really really good.

I still hate it.

It's making me miserable.

What makes me feel even more miserable is that I know I should be grateful for what I have and just get over it already. But I can't, so that makes me feel like a big, whiny, baby. Also, everyone says I should just get out there and find something new, but I'm too scared. I've worked in the same place since I was eighteen. I don't know where to go from here.

I just feel so sad all the time, and the internet certainly isn't helping. I either need to stop reading sad fic and watching sad fan videos, or I need to watch a ton more so that I can cry my heart out and get it over with.

I've never been depressed before, not really. It's a new experience for me.

Current Mood: depresseddepressed
Vincelia Valentinevinceliav on May 29th, 2008 03:16 am (UTC)
Your a ton more grateful already then I would be in your position, and you know that I think they don't deserve even what you already give them. But I know what your saying and how you feel, so *hugs* I lub you :)
Allison Kelsey: everybody needs huguniquelysteph on May 29th, 2008 10:54 am (UTC)
Oh, Sarah, you sound *so* much like me last year. :( All the reasons you've given, how you're hoping they'll lay you off soon, making your own schedule, etc., it sounds just like me.

All the trips I kept taking to visit Jeff, I kept extending them and extending them while I was out there--and, yes, sometimes I paid a lot of money to get my flight changed--because I just didn't want to go home, and the reason why was because of my job. I'd make up excuses how I was sick, or Jeff was sick, or something had come up, or Jeff needed my help. I'd come home from my trips, and I would be in a pissy funk for days afterwards, and cried a lot. Everyone thought it was because I missed Jeff, and I did, but it was also because I had to go back to work.

Don't feel like a big, whiny baby. We spend a lot of time at our jobs--not saying that to depress you further; it's just unfortunately true--our jobs should be something we like and enjoy.

And I was told too, often, if I didn't like it at HUC, to go out and get a new job. But I was stuck with knowing that I'd be moving to Philly in '08; believing I couldn't find something that would work with the schedule I had at the newspaper (and I had wanted to see that job out until they closed since I was convinced I'd never find another job I truly loved like that again); and just being outright scared. I had worked at HUC since I was 16. (Off and on, until I decided to become full-time salary in 2001). It was a nice little comfort zone.

It just breaks my heart to hear about the job suckiness because I've written the exact same words--a lot. I looked on my LJ to see if I had any posts about HUC, in case you wanted to read them to compare, but I don't. I know I wrote about it, but I guess I did a lot of my journaling about HUC in my book journals.

I know you don't want to talk about your situation. I get that, but I'm going to email you my phone number anyway. If you ever feel the need to talk with someone who really understands what it's like to be stuck in a shitty job, call me. Anytime. I'm not going to hound you about it, because I've "been there, done that" with the depression too. The last thing I needed was for people to keep pushing themselves on me. But seriously... call me *whenever* you need to.

And then use my phone number often when I'm out in Philly for good. :) KoP and Center City isn't that far away from each other. We'll hang out to get your mind off of things as you're waiting out your time. :)

Edited at 2008-05-29 11:01 am (UTC)